e at seeing
him!--How can that be? If he had half as much, he would not wish to see
me!--His motive love!--Yes, indeed! Love of himself! He knows no other;
for love, that deserves the name, seeks the satisfaction of the beloved
object more than its own. Weighed in this scale, what a profanation is
this man guilty of!

Not to take up my resolution beforehand!--That advice comes too late.

But I must make a discreet use of my pen. That, I doubt, as they have
managed it, in the sense they mean it, is as much out of my power, as
the other.

But write to one man, when I am designed for another!--What a shocking
expression is that!

Repenting of my appointment with Mr. Lovelace before I had this favour
granted me, you may believe I hesitated not a moment to revoke it now
that I had gained such a respite. Accordingly, I wrote, 'That I found
it inconvenient to meet him, as I had intended: that the risque I should
run of a discovery, and the mischiefs that might flow from it, could not
be justified by any end that such a meeting could answer: that I found
one certain servant more in my way, when I took my morning and evening
airings, than any other: that the person who might reveal the secrets
of a family to him, might, if opportunity were given him, betray me, or
him, to those whom it was his duty to serve: that I had not been used to
a conduct so faulty, as to lay myself at the mercy of servants: and was
sorry he had measures to pursue, that made steps necessary in his own
opinion, which, in mine, were very culpable, and which no end could
justify: that things drawing towards a crisis between my friends and me,
an interview could avail nothing; especially as the method by which this
correspondence was carried on was not suspected, and he could write all
that was in his mind to write: that I expected to be at liberty to judge
of what was proper and fit upon this occasion: especially as he might be
assured, that I would sooner choose death, than Mr. Solmes.'

TUESDAY NIGHT.

I have deposited my letter to Mr. Lovelace. Threatening as things look
against me, I am much better pleased with myself for declining the
interview than I was before. I suppose he will be a little out of humour
upon it, however: but as I reserved to myself the liberty of changing my
mind; and as it is easy for him to imagine there may be reasons for it
within-doors, which he cannot judge of without; besides those I have
suggested, which of themselve