ust _that_ and no more, ... no expression
whatever of my nature as it ever was, ... pedantic, and in some things
pert, ... and such as altogether, and to do myself justice (which I
would fain do of course), I was not in my whole life. Bad books are
never like their writers, you know--and those under-age books are
generally bad. Also I have found it hard work to _get into
expression_, though I began rhyming from my very infancy, much as you
did (and this, with no sympathy near to me--I have had to do without
sympathy in the full sense--), and even in my 'Seraphim' days, my
tongue clove to the roof of my mouth,--from leading so conventual
recluse a life, perhaps--and all my better poems were written last
year, the very best thing to come, if there should be any life or
courage to come; I scarcely know. Sometimes--it is the real truth--I
have haste to be done with it all. It is the real truth; however to
say so may be an ungrateful return for your kind and generous words,
... which I _do_ feel gratefully, let me otherwise feel as I will, ...
or must. But then you know you are liable to such prodigious mistakes
about besetting sins and even besetting virtues--to such a set of
small delusions, that are sure to break one by one, like other
bubbles, as you draw in your breath, ... as I see by the law of my own
star, my own particular star, the star I was born under, the star
_Wormwood_, ... on the opposite side of the heavens from the
constellations of 'the Lyre and the Crown.' In the meantime, it is
difficult to thank you, or _not_ to thank you, for all your
kindnesses--[Greek: algos de sigan]. Only Mrs. Jameson told me of Lady
Byron's saying 'that she knows she is burnt every day in effigy by
half the world, but that the effigy is so unlike herself as to be
inoffensive to her,' and just so, or rather just in the converse of
_so_, is it with me and your kindnesses. They are meant for quite
another than I, and are too far to be so near. The comfort is ... in
seeing you throw all those ducats out of the window, (and how many
ducats go in a figure to a 'dozen Duchesses,' it is profane to
calculate) the comfort is that you will not be the poorer for it in
the end; since the people beneath, are honest enough to push them back
under the door. Rather a bleak comfort and occupation though!--and you
may find better work for your friends, who are (some of them) weary
even unto death of the uses of this life. And now, you who are
genero