gain apologised for
appearing glad, on account of my own good fortune.

Lady Hamilton said, "Did you hear from him?"

"No, but Captain Mitchell saw the list, and his name was not in it."

Mr James went out of the room. Lady Hamilton said, "He is gone to see
it, I suppose," and then began to talk about the list, and what were
the first names, and a great deal about whether I had any friends in
that country, etc. She then asked what I intended to do if the
fighting continued, and if I should go to England? I was a little
surprised at these enquiries, but assured her I would not move until
Sir William came or sent for me. She found me so obstinately confident
that she began[32]...--and after a short time a suspicion darted into
my mind. What a death-like feeling was that!

[Footnote 32: Here there is a hiatus in the MS.]

Lady Hamilton confessed she had written the list, and with a most
mistaken kindness had omitted several of the names, Sir William's
among the rest. A general had come from the field and named them; and
she, knowing I was in the country, had left his out, fearing that I
should be suddenly informed. But such information would not be
otherwise than a shock whatever way it was told, and the previous
account of his safety only tortured me the more. But it is needless to
dwell upon it now; and though I believe she thinks I never forgave
her, I now recollect only the motive, which was kind.

My difficulty then was to find out, or rather to believe the truth.
She assured me he was only wounded. I looked at her keenly, and said,
"Lady Hamilton, I can bear anything but suspense. Let me know the very
worst. Tell me, is he killed?"

She then solemnly assured me he was only desperately wounded.

I shook my head and said, "Ah, it is very well to say so. Yes, he must
be wounded first, you know." And I walked round the room fast. "Yes,
yes, you say so, but I cannot believe what you say now."

She was terrified, for I could not shed a tear. She declared upon her
word of honour that when General Alava left the field he was alive,
but was not expected to live.

This I felt sounded like truth, and I stood before her and said,
"Well, Lady Hamilton, if it is so, and you really wish to serve me,
help me to go to him instantly. I am sure Mr James will be so good as
to hurry the servant. Oh, how much time has been lost already! If
Captain Mitchell had but known, I should have gone at nine. Every
moment may make me too