* * * * *

Illustration: UNRECORDED EVENTS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WAR.

GERMAN SOLDIERS BEING ROUSED TO ENTHUSIASM BY THE "HYMN OF HATE."

* * * * *

MAILS FOR A MAILED FIST.

[The rumours of an invasion of this country, which have been
prevalent during the last few days, are presumably responsible for
these letters addressed to the Kaiser, which have been intercepted.]

_Northsea Cove, Suffolk._

* * *

Kind Sir,--Should your troops land in this neighbourhood, would you
please ask them not to fire off guns between 3 and 4 P.M., as during
that hour I have my afternoon rest, and I do not sleep very well.

Yours truly,
WILHELMINA TIMMINS.

* * *

Sir,--Hearing that you are thinking of sending over an army, we have
formed a small Reception Committee to provide for its comfort, and
knowing how concerned you are for the welfare of your troops we think
you will be glad to learn that complete arrangements have been made for
conveying them to, and accommodating them at, a salubrious spot called
Tipperary, immediately on their arrival.

(Signed) J. PUSHER, _Secretary_,
Eastern and Home Counties Resorts
Association.

* * *

Professor Burgess-Brown, the well-known swimming expert, presents his
compliments. He would be pleased to call at Kiel Harbour (or other
appointed place) in order to teach the art of natation to German
soldiers who may, after arrival in England, suddenly find themselves
deprived of their troopships when wishing to return.

* * *

Dear Sir,--We hear that a number of your friends are coming to England,
and shall accordingly welcome an enquiry for our advice, which is always
at the disposal of the travelling public. We do not know whether you
propose personally to come over, but we should certainly recommend this
course, as by travelling _via_ an English port you could get a boat
_direct_ to St. Helena and thus save the wearisome changing to which you
might be exposed in sailing from the Continent.

Yours obediently,
THE WORLD'S TOURS, LIMITED.

* * *

_Headquarters, Poppy Patrol Boy Scouts, Cliffe, Norfolk._

Dear Sir,--I don't think there is much use in your troops landing. In
this county alone there are two hundred and ninety-five more scouts than
there were in August, and they are still coming in. Of course come if
you like, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Yours, T. SMITH,
Pa