three months hence,
and with a debt on my hands, than now--will it? I've been so pampered
all my life, that I declare it's going to be absolutely a pleasure to
appreciate the value of a kopeck I have _earned_. Don't you know,
Vladimir Vassilyitch, that most of us would be infinitely stronger men
if we had to act men's parts?--Bah! How many thousands are in just my
state to-day, except that, besides themselves, they have a wife and
children to feed, clothe and shelter?--That _might_ come hard! But if I
can't earn my own living, I have no right to live at all. Why the devil
should I pity myself?" And he gave a short, rather hard, laugh.

"You might pity yourself, Ivan Mikhailovitch, because you have just had
three blows about as big as the average man is called upon to bear
throughout his lifetime. The mere fact that you haven't gone under
altogether, says a good deal for your manliness.

"I've been thinking, half the night, about your future: trying to put
myself in your place. And I swear, Ivan, by the Holy Synod, that, if I
were you, I should not do what you intend about that money. A few weeks
more, and your semiannual allowance is due. The five thousand roubles
that you've saved and tumbled into a bank, don't belong to Prince
Gregoriev. He hasn't asked you for anything that he gave you while you
were--in your rightful place. And good Heavens! Haven't you surrendered
enough, without the quixotism of returning to him what he doesn't either
want or expect?--You might as well try to return him your
baby-clothes!--So, if not for your own sake, then for me--for us--for
the sake of those that care for you, give yourself, at least, this one
little chance!"--De Windt's voice, as he stopped, was shaking; and he
turned his red face away that Ivan might not notice what was happening
to his eyes. Nevertheless Ivan had seen, and had been touched to the
quick. His hand shot out, impetuously: and his voice was nearly as gruff
as de Windt's as he began:

"Old fellow, I _am_ giving myself a chance. I've a lot of expensive
trash in these rooms that I sha'n't need now. I shall sell the greater
part of that and make use of the proceeds. Most of the furniture here
belonged to my mother. My own stuff was bought with the little money she
left me.--As for the other affair,--if I had anything else in the world
for which--my father paid, I should certainly return it to him, as I am
returning this money.--You can't possibly understand my feel