ontinual contest.

It was a salutary thing for me that this was my appointed lot from the
very beginning. Now and later on I was therefore able to say to myself
by way of consolation and encouragement: "You knew beforehand just how
it would be." Still, unpleasantness seldom arrives in exactly the manner
expected, and the unexpected is always the hardest to bear. Thus it was
with me in this case; my situation seemed to contain insurmountable
difficulties. I sought the basis for them in imperfect culture; and the
cause of the disconnected nature of the culture I had been able to
attain, lay, so I perceived, in the interruptions which marred my
university career. Educator and teacher, however, I had determined to
become and to remain; and as far as I could know my own feelings and my
own powers, I must and would work out my profession in an independent
free fashion of my own, founded on the view of man and his nature and
relationships which had now begun to dawn upon me. Yet every man finds
it above all things difficult to understand himself, and especially hard
was it in my own case. I began to think that I must look for help
outside myself, and seek to acquire from others the knowledge and
experience I needed.

And thus there came to me once again the idea of fitting myself by
continuing my university studies to become founder, principal, and
manager of an educational establishment of my own. But the fact was to
be considered that I had turned away from the educational path on which
I had entered. Now, when the imperfection of my training pressed itself
upon me, I not only sought help from Nature as of old, that school
allotted to me by fate, but I turned also for assistance to my
fellow-men who had divided out the whole field of education and teaching
into separate departments of science, and had added to these the
assistance of a rich literature. This need of help so troubled and
oppressed me, and threw my whole nature into such confusion, that I
resolved, as soon as might be, once more to proceed to one of the
universities, and necessarily, therefore, to relinquish as speedily as
possible my occupation as an educator.

As I always discussed everything important with my brother, I wrote to
him on this occasion as usual, telling him of my plans and of my
resolve. But for this time, at least, my nature was able to work out its
difficulty without his help. I soon came to see that I had failed to
appreciate my position,