not been healthy for me. 7 years
occult training school has wiped me. Nothing wrong with it--taught by
an impeccable 8th degree Black belt; only, I don't handle it too well.
So, I recognize i tried something, and it didn't work. I have the
humility to realize that it isn't working for me. And for God sakes,
try new things in your life, as FDR says. But Fred is definitely bent
out of shape. 'Let your hate grow,' devil ref's, paranoia... Not to
blame him. Had weak 1st attention as a kid. Dad... Teacher bent.
Important: i believe that the good side of Fred respects what I am
doing & wishes me well. i have no desire to speak or see anyone with
whom I didn't know 7 1/2 years ago... Still coming down, here, from 3
hits of 6-7?th Acid trip. Good thing. boy does that stuff make me
sick! good for changing though. thrown away much unk stuff!... The
journey, Eliot Mark Laxer, has just begun! Don't turn back! Go! &
keep moving. I have graduated (7 yrs) an EKATEST [Electric Koolaid
Acid Test]! Congrad!"

That night I wrote to Robert, the disciple who had gotten shot, "... the
past 4-5 years have been a bad trip, a bad format. i was getting
sicker, weaker. it is necessary for my well being that i live off my
own power. i have no need to convince you of this. this my body
knows. my body has been telling me for years to leave Rama. Finally,
he stopped convincing me to stay. Then i couldn't make it on my own.
So i left & came back. Now i'm stronger; off my own steam... unlike
past times when i left Rama's Attention field, i'm not going to waste
thoughts & power on the past. The past, people's thoughts about me, my
thoughts about me--are all like Nately's Whore, in Catch-22; only she
misses, and i jump... "

About a week later, Dana called me with a "Warrior's task." Rama, she
explained, wanted me to get former disciple Tom to call him.

I told her that I was not looking for a Warrior's task--or any task for
that matter. "You know I have left the Centre," I said.

"Don't you think you might be following your gut feelings?" she asked.

"You bet!"

I also followed my gut feelings during the group acid trip earlier that
month when Rama asked the disciples to remain inside. I had walked
outside and watched the small birds fly. "The bottom line is that he's
wrong about me," I thought, my self-confidence germinating the way pine
seeds flourish when their cones are scorched by fire. "I'm not
possessed by de