se_, there can be no
mistaking its identity. The first bar sufficed to bring the whole room
to attention, and a promising dish of sweetbreads shared the fate of
its predecessor. Before the final crash had ceased to reverberate we
sat down with a thump, resigning ourselves to the prospect of doing
double justice to the joint. But the orchestra was not so lightly
to be cheated of its prey. True, we held out as long as possible
while the Russian Hymn began to unfold its majestic length, and
Helen actually managed to convey a considerable piece of saddle of
mutton to her mouth while she was in the very act of rising. That
joint, however, was soon but a memory of anticipation, and our hunger
was still keen upon us when the funereal strains of the Japanese
Anthem coincided with the arrival of a wild duck. I had always
harboured secret doubts of the advisability of Japan's joining in the
War, and now they were intensified many times. Cold wild duck is an
impossibility even to a hungry man.

Ice-pudding, though scarcely satisfying, seemed to warrant the
expectation that it would at least survive whatever further ordeal the
band had in store for us. But that hope too was doomed to extinction.
When _God Save the King_ smote the air the growing lethargy of the
company of diners vanished, and all joined with a will in the recital
of all its verses. In the glow of loyal enthusiasm that filled the
room the ice gradually melted, and as we surveyed the fluid mess upon
our plates we knew that our dinner was gone beyond recall.

Weary and unappeased we crept home through the City of Dreadful Night.
I found a remnant of cold beef and some pickles in the kitchen, and on
this we went to bed. I slept but little, and on five occasions watched
Helen, who has dreams, get out of bed and stand to attention.

Of course it might have been worse; for the musicians of the Rococo
evidently had not learnt the national airs of Serbia and Montenegro;
and Portugal had not then been drawn into the War. But until the
trouble is over I shall avoid restaurants which harbour an orchestra.
As you say, it is no economy.

* * * * *

TO MR. BERNARD JAW.

Illustrious Jester, who in happier days
Amused us with your Prefaces and Plays,
Acquiring a precarious renown
By turning laws and morals upside down,
Sticking perpetual pins in Mrs. Grundy,
Railing at marriage or the British Sunday,
And lavishing your acid rid