guard at the Tower? At least so I understood him
to be, but I may have been wrong. At any rate, an odd sort of place
to dine at, if he was not on duty, and if he were, he should not have
left his post. Moreover, where was his scarf, as orderly officer? But
perhaps he was not on duty, and had dropped in upon the mess (in the
height of the Season!) in a friendly sort of way. Well, that might
explain matters a bit, but not to my entire satisfaction. And my wife
tells me that it is rather late to make alterations in a Court dress
the day before the Drawing-Room. And she says, too, that she has never
been hustled and crushed when she has gone to Buckingham Palace. And
if it comes to that, Sir, I have accompanied her, and can vouch for
the strict accuracy of the statement. But these are minor matters.
What I _cannot_ stand are _The Guardsman's_ boots!

Yours more in anger than in sorrow,

AN OLD SOLDIER.

_Mars Lodge, Cutsaddleborough_, _Tomatkinshire_.

* * * * *

RHYMES FOR THE TIMES.

If I were a missionary
On the plains of Uganda,
I'd leave that position airy
Ere, at dawn, anew 'gan day.

* * * * *

QUESTION FOR A DICKENSIAN EXAMINATION PAPER.--"_Here's Pip--Ask Pip.
Pip's our mutual friend_." In which of DICKENS's Novels does this
occur?

* * * * *

[Illustration: "SQUARED!"

FIRST CITIZEN. "WOT! 'ALLOWED' TO MEET IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE ON
SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS, AND BANK 'OLIDAYS, ARE WE!!"

SECOND CITIZEN. "THEN WE JUST WON'T GO!! HE-HEH!!"]

* * * * *

THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS;

_OR, THE LISTS FOR THE LAURELS._

FYTTE THE SECOND.

"Wire in, my warblers!" PUNCHIUS cried. "To 'wire,'
Though slangy, sounds appropriate to the Lyre."
Then forth there toddled with the mincing gait
Of some fair "Tottering Lily," him, the great
New Bard of Buddha! Grave, and grey of crest.
'Tis he illumes the nubibustic West
With the true "_Light of Asia_"--or, at least,
Such simulacrum of the effulgent East
As shineth from a homemade Chinese lantern.
No HAFIZ he, or SAADI, yet he _can_ turn
Authentic Sanscrit to--Telegraphese,
And make the Muse a moon-faced Japanese.
Leaderesque love of gentle gush and "Caps.,"
Is blent in him with fondness for the Japs.
"Wah! wah! futtee!--wah! wah, gooroo!" he cried,
And twanged his tinkling orient lyre with pride.