on consideration I think if I wished to do anything in
the "comic water-tournament line," I could make better terms with Mr.
SANGER than the Lords of the Admiralty.

* * * * *

QUEER QUERIES.--POPULAR PRICES.--Would any reader inform me what is
the lowest price at which _wholesome_ aerated waters are sold? I
have been drinking some "Shadwell Seltzer, special _cuvee_," at a
penny-halfpenny the syphon, and I fancy this may have something to do
with my present symptoms, which include partial paralysis of the left
side, violent spasms, an almost irresistible tendency to homicide,
together with excruciating pain in every part of the body. My doctor
says the lead in the syphons has "permeated my system." When I am
better, I intend to prosecute the manufacturer. My doctor discourages
the notion. He says he does not know if an action would "lie," but he
is sure the manufacturer would!--TEETOTALLER.

* * * * *

HELVETIAN SIXTH-CENTURY MOTTO.--"_'Tell' est La Vie!_"--_en Suisse_.

* * * * *

[Illustration: WORK FOR THE RECESS.

MISS PARLIAMENTINA PUTS HER HOUSE IN ORDER, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF THE
COMMITTEE ON VENTILATION, ETC.]

* * * * *

OFF TO MASHERLAND.

(_BY OUR OWN GRANDOLPH._)

A FEW REMINISCENCES.

[Illustration: Grandolph and the Wild Turkey.]

Begin to regret dinners on board the _Grantully Castle_. The other
day was regretting the Amphitryon. Don't go so far back as the
Albemarle-Street Amphitryon, quite satisfied with a simple Donald
Currie. [_Mem._--The proverb hath much truth in it that saith, "Go
farther and fare worse."] Sick of chicken. With poetic epigrammacy
might say, "Quite sick Of chick." Stringy chickens, too! One has to
tug at them; sort of game of "poulet-hauly"--as DRUMMY would say.
Though were he here, I doubt if he would say anything. He certainly
would eat nothing: probably would only open his mouth to observe, "I'm
off!" and then we should see him no more. Quite right. So would I--but
for "my oath, my Lord, my oath!" (N.B.--This is a quotation. Sure
of it. Where from? Don't know. Tragedy probably; sounds tragic. No
matter. Can give it with effect in a speech, and Members turn to one
another and ask, "What's that from?" When they ask me confidentially
afterwards, I reply with an air of intense surprise, "What! don't
_you_ know! Well!!" and I turn on my heel, le