*

[Illustration: _First A.B. (indicating old tramp steamer in ballast)_.
"THANK 'EAVENS WE AIN'T GOT PROPELLERS WHAT STICK OUT LIKE THAT ON
THIS 'ERE JUNK, BILL."

_Second A.B._ "WHAT ARE YOU GROUSING ABOUT NOW?"

_First A.B._ "WHY, THE BLOOMIN' FIRST-LOOTENANT WOULD MAKE US POLISH
THE BLINKIN' THING."]

* * * * *

THE MUSICAL CRITIC'S ORDEAL.

[Mr. CYRIL SCOTT, the musical composer, in his recently published
volume on _The Philosophy of Modernism in its connection with
Music_, states that the criterion of lofty music, the method of
gauging the spiritual value of art, "is only possible to him who
has awakened the latent faculties of the pineal gland and the
pituitary body."]

Lately I've been reading CYRIL SCOTT'S
Book on Music, modern and unmuzzled,
And, though solving many toughish knots,
By one statement I am sadly puzzled,
Namely, that if we would understand
What divides the noble from the shoddy
We must cultivate "the pineal gland,"
Also "the pituitary body."

But unfortunately SCOTT refrains
(Hence my present painful agitation)
From elucidating how one gains
This desiderated consummation.
Must I fly to silken Samarcand,
Or explore the distant Irrawaddy
For the culture of my pineal gland
And of my pituitary body?

Is the object gained by force of will
Or some drastic vegetarian diet?
Does it mean a compound radium pill
Causing vast upheaval and disquiet?
Do I need some special "Hidden Hand,"
Or the very strongest whisky toddy
To arouse my dormant pineal gland,
My unused pituitary body?

Should I read the works of Mr. YEATS,
Or the lays of WILCOX (ELLA WHEELER)?
Must I visit the United States
And consult the newest occult "healer"?
Is the tragedy of IBSEN'S _Brand_
Or the humour of _Poor Pillycoddy_
Better feeding for my pineal gland
And for my pituitary body?

Vain the subtle art of HENRY JAMES,
Vain the wealth of ROTHSCHILDS or of MORGANS,
If I fail to satisfy the claims
Of these mystic and momentous organs;
I'm no better than a grain of sand
Or a simple common polypody,
With an undeveloped pineal gland,
An inert pituitary body.

Blindly seeking for a helpful clue,
Welcoming no matter what suggestion,
I have lately sounded one or two
Leading doctors on this vital question;
But they think I'll have to be trepanned
If I wish effectivel