with the airy scepticism and obstructive
complacency that have rendered the London Telephone service a byword of
inefficiency, and refuses even to make a grant in aid of the work of
investigation.

"In these circumstances the proprietors of _The Daily Mandate_ have much
pleasure in announcing that they will pay the sum of ten thousand pounds to
the first man, woman or child in the British Empire who can produce
evidence of having received an intelligible telephonic message from Saturn,
and a further sum of one hundred thousand pounds to the first person to
send a message to that planet and receive a clear reply. The services of a
Board of distinguished experts are being engaged for the purpose of testing
and adjudicating all claims.

"_Meanwhile the POSTMASTER-GENERAL must go._"

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Indignant Egoist._ "BE CAREFUL UP THERE WHAT YOU'RE
DROPPING. THAT PRECIOUS NEARLY HIT ME!"]

* * * * *

"It may safely be said that there are more millionaires to the square
yard in Bradford than in any other city in the country, not even
excepting London or New York."--_Daily Paper._

The news that Britain has annexed the United States will comfort those who
thought it was the other way about.

* * * * *

"The incessant singing of a cricket in a London church compelled the
preacher to shorten his sermon."--_The Children's Newspaper._

We may now expect increased enthusiasm for the "Sunday Cricket" movement.

* * * * *

A VERMIN OFFENSIVE.

There was a faint scuffling sound behind the wainscot.

"There it is again," said Araminta.

"Not a doubt of it," I replied, turning pale.

Thrusting on my hat I rushed up the hill to the Town Hall and asked to see
the Clerk of the Borough Council immediately.

"I have reason to suspect," I said in a hoarse low whisper, as soon as I
was shown into the man's presence, "that our premises are in imminent
danger of being infested. Counsel me as to what I should do."

"It is your duty as a good citizen to take such steps as may from time to
time be necessary and reasonably practicable to destroy the vermin," he
said in a rather weary and mechanical tone.

"I hope I am not one to take my civic duties lightly," I replied with some
_hauteur_, "but observe that I merely said I had reason to suspect the
imminence of the peril