inking from matrimony's tight knot,
I might have acted thus, I say
(Contrariwise, I might not).

In any case to-day I shrink
From thus evading Sorrow's trammels;
A sense of duty bids me think
How costly are the larger mammals;
To kill them just to soothe my mind
Would seem to savour of the wasteful,
A thing all patriot poets find
Exceedingly distasteful.

Not mine the immemorial cure;
The voice of conscience warns me off it;
I'll leave the following of the spoor
To those who follow it for profit;
I feel they would not thank me for
Turning the jungle to a shambles,
Who speculate in lions or
Have elephantine gambles.

And so this poet will not roam;
Remaining on his native heath, he
Will seek an anodyne at home,
Nor look beyond the Thames for Lethe;
And if he fades away, denied
The usual balm in cardiac crises,
Say only this of him, "He died
A prey to soaring prices."

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL.]

* * * * *

HOW TO ACT IN EMERGENCIES.

_The Weekly Dispatch_ symposium, in which various celebrities discuss the
way to act in the event of a burglar being found in the house, shows the
need for a little advice in case of emergencies. We append the following
very helpful hints:--

The old plan of offering a burglar a cigarette and asking him to take a
chair while you telephone to the police is not now so successful as in the
past. The best plan is to tackle the fellow right away. For this purpose
you should step behind him, take hold of his coat and force it over his
face. Then tie his left arm to his right leg across the back. Properly
carried out, this method rarely fails.

* * * * *

To attract the attention of the young lady behind a post-office counter,
fire a revolver three times in succession, using blank cartridges. After
first aid has been rendered to the attendants step up to the counter and
purchase your stamp.

* * * * *

If you should be knocked down by a taxi, don't be alarmed and try to creep
out from under the thing. And don't blame the driver. Apologise to him,
and, as you are being carried away, shake hands and tell him that while it
was his cab it was your fault. Treated in this manner, drivers are not
nearly so offensive when they knock you down the next tim