ramp.

***

It is reported that three large jam factories have been commandeered by
the Military. A soldier writes to ask whether it is proposed to include
jam in the list of field punishments.

***

"Justices cannot guarantee results to litigants in advance," said the
Willesden magistrate recently. Not without trespassing on the privileges
of the Bar.

***

As a demonstration of allegiance to their country's cause the Apaches of
Northern America are to hold a great "Devil Dance" in Arizona. It only
needed this to convince us that all was well with America.

***

A flask of wine of the year A.D. 17, found in a Roman tomb in Bavaria,
is said to be the oldest extant vintage. It antedates Sir FREDERICK
BANBURY'S brand of Toryism by several years.

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE FOP.

_Looker-on_. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE NEXT, CLARENCE,--ELECTRIC
SHAMPOO OR FACE MANICURED?"]

* * * * *

"Mrs. ----, who has just entered her 192nd year, reads without
glasses, writes to her grandchildren fighting abroad, and knits
articles for King George's Military Hospital."--_Daily Express
(Dublin)_.

Those grandchildren must be getting a little old for active service.

* * * * *

TINO IN EXILE.

[As indicated on another page, TINO'S actual opinion of his
Imperial brother-in-law is probably not too amiable; but it has
to be disguised in his letters, which are liable to be censored
by his wife.]

Thank you, dear William, I am fairly well.
The climate suits me and the simple life--
No diplomats to spoil the scenery's spell,
And only faintest echoes of the strife;
The Alps are mirrored in a lake of blue;
Over my straw-crowned poll the blue skies laugh;
A waterfall (no charge) completes a view
Equal to any German oleograph.

There are no bugle blares to make me jump,
But just the jodler calling to his kine;
A few good Teuton toadies, loud and plump,
More than suffice me in the _levee_ line;
And, when poor ALEXANDER, there in Greece,
Writes of your "agents" rounded up and sacked,
I am content with privacy and peace,
Having, at worst, retained my head intact.

SOPHIE and I have thought of you a lot
(We have so very few distractions here;
We chat about the weather, which is hot,
And then we turn to ta