f. A natural
accident, such as _will_ happen now and then!"

I gave the matter no further consideration, and at my usual hour retired
to bed. Here, having placed a candle upon a reading stand at the
bed head, and having made an attempt to peruse some pages of the
"Omnipresence of the Deity," I unfortunately fell asleep in less than
twenty seconds, leaving the light burning as it was.

My dreams were terrifically disturbed by visions of the Angel of
the Odd. Methought he stood at the foot of the couch, drew aside the
curtains, and, in the hollow, detestable tones of a rum puncheon,
menaced me with the bitterest vengeance for the contempt with which
I had treated him. He concluded a long harangue by taking off his
funnel-cap, inserting the tube into my gullet, and thus deluging me with
an ocean of Kirschenwaesser, which he poured, in a continuous flood,
from one of the long necked bottles that stood him instead of an arm. My
agony was at length insufferable, and I awoke just in time to perceive
that a rat had ran off with the lighted candle from the stand, but _not_
in season to prevent his making his escape with it through the hole.
Very soon, a strong suffocating odor assailed my nostrils; the house, I
clearly perceived, was on fire. In a few minutes the blaze broke forth
with violence, and in an incredibly brief period the entire building was
wrapped in flames. All egress from my chamber, except through a window,
was cut off. The crowd, however, quickly procured and raised a long
ladder. By means of this I was descending rapidly, and in apparent
safety, when a huge hog, about whose rotund stomach, and indeed about
whose whole air and physiognomy, there was something which reminded me
of the Angel of the Odd,--when this hog, I say, which hitherto had been
quietly slumbering in the mud, took it suddenly into his head that
his left shoulder needed scratching, and could find no more convenient
rubbing-post than that afforded by the foot of the ladder. In an instant
I was precipitated and had the misfortune to fracture my arm.

This accident, with the loss of my insurance, and with the more serious
loss of my hair, the whole of which had been singed off by the fire,
predisposed me to serious impressions, so that, finally, I made up my
mind to take a wife. There was a rich widow disconsolate for the loss of
her seventh husband, and to her wounded spirit I offered the balm of my
vows. She yielded a reluctant consent to my p