hee; and, whether the art wholly worth the cost, concerns
not thee, but thy master. Thou hast of late many enemies in seats of
office, and elsewhere; ministers, and scribes, and feeble folk in
fidgety fear of hypothetical hydrophoby. "Out with the dog!" says
one. "That cur looks mad!" says another; "Muzzle him!" says the third.
"Knock me him on the head with a constable's staff!" cries the fourth;
"Give him _euthanasia_ at the Dog's Home!" suggests a fifth, with
more sensibility; "Tax him, collar him, badge him, make his owner
pay roundly for him!" saith the Minister of Agriculture. And they,
between them, make me no more ado than whip me thirteen and six out
of my pinched pocket to pay thee out of danger. How many masters
would do this for their servant? Nay, I'll be sworn I have paid
the fines inflicted by austere Magistrates, when thou, _Crab_,
hast surreptitiously slipped thy muzzle, otherwise thou hadst been
executed; I have "tipped" angry constables when thou hast stolen
out not "under control," otherwise thou hadst suffered for't: thou
thinkest not of this now! Nay, I remember the trick thou servedst me
anigh the end of the year, when I had so far successfully dodged the
Dog Tax for that season: did I not bid thee still mark me, and keep
out of sight when the rate-collector called? When didst thou see me
rush headlong upstairs and make madly for the collector's calves?
Didst thou ever see me do such a fool's trick?

* * * * *

[Illustration: PATENT INFLATED SAFETY SKATING COSTUME FOR ICE OR
RINK.]

* * * * *

AUDITORS IN WONDERLAND.

"If you please," said the Auditor of the Tottenham School Board
accounts, "would you explain to me what that curious thing is that you
have got in your hand?"

"With pleasure," replied the White Knight, who had recently been
elected as a Member of the Board. "It's a Tellurium."

"I see that it cost the ratepayers four pounds to buy. What is the use
of it?"

"Use?" said the White Knight, in mild surprise. "Oh, it's a most
useful thing. A child who can't think of the right answer to a
question about the stars, only has to put this thing on its head--at
Examination time, you know--and it at once remembers all about it.
It's got Electricity or something inside it. And the shape is my own
invention."

"That's why it's called a Tellurium, then," remarked the Auditor, who
could hardly help laughing, it all seemed so