twice in a disparaging way of her,
and I did not protest. What a creature I have been!
Weak as I have proved myself to be, I am still strong enough to bring
this sort of thing to an end. It shall not happen again. I have sense
enough to fly when I cannot fight. From this Sunday night onward I
shall never sit with Miss Penclosa again. Never! Let the experiments
go, let the research come to an end; any thing is better than facing
this monstrous temptation which drags me so low. I have said nothing
to Miss Penclosa, but I shall simply stay away. She can tell the
reason without any words of mine.
April 7. Have stayed away as I said. It is a pity to ruin such an
interesting investigation, but it would be a greater pity still to ruin
my life, and I KNOW that I cannot trust myself with that woman.
11 P. M. God help me! What is the matter with me? Am I going mad?
Let me try and be calm and reason with myself. First of all I shall
set down exactly what occurred.
It was nearly eight when I wrote the lines with which this day begins.
Feeling strangely restless and uneasy, I left my rooms and walked round
to spend the evening with Agatha and her mother. They both remarked
that I was pale and haggard. About nine Professor Pratt-Haldane came
in, and we played a game of whist. I tried hard to concentrate my
attention upon the cards, but the feeling of restlessness grew and grew
until I found it impossible to struggle against it. I simply COULD not
sit still at the table. At last, in the very middle of a hand, I threw
my cards down and, with some sort of an incoherent apology about having
an appointment, I rushed from the room. As if in a dream I have a
vague recollection of tearing through the hall, snatching my hat from
the stand, and slamming the door behind me. As in a dream, too, I have
the impression of the double line of gas-lamps, and my bespattered
boots tell me that I must have run down the middle of the road. It was
all misty and strange and unnatural. I came to Wilson's house; I saw
Mrs. Wilson and I saw Miss Penclosa. I hardly recall what we talked
about, but I do remember that Miss P. shook the head of her crutch at
me in a playful way, and accused me of being late and of losing
interest in our experiments. There was no mesmerism, but I stayed some
time and have only just returned.
My brain is quite clear again now, and I can think over what has
occurred. It is absurd to suppose that i
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