red some hardships, yet I experienced also
something like the pleasures and pastimes of boyhood.

From having been a weakly, delicate child, I grew strong and active; but
a gloom was ever upon me.

In my moments of relaxation I would join some of my companions in their
games of play; but even then a dark phantom pursued me, and I would
fancy a shadowless spirit was after me: if I ran it always followed me
with its noiseless steps, and my constant fear was, that it would
overtake me. This was _madness_--aye, I can see it now--_it was madness
coming upon me_.

I frequently used to endeavour to dispel the illusion by reading; but if
I raised my eyes from my book there was the figure, looking at me and
sighing, and its lips would move to speak--_but there was no sound_.

I have sat for hours watching this bane of my existence. I have sat till
my eyes were fixed from fright, and I have tried to move, but I felt
chained to the spot, and the fetters that appeared to bind me, seemed of
cold heavy steel, that fell on my whole body and paralyzed me. Then I
could feel my heart growing dead, and yet throbbing with those dull,
audible throbs, till at last I have shrieked in the agony of my horror,
and only then would the dark being leave me--but _it left me moody and
mad_.

I had one friend at school who would soothe me by gentle words, and tell
me my fears were but fancy, and he would hold my hands until I slept,
and lost, for a time at least, the phantom which pursued me.

That friend is dead. I have outlived _him_. _Why should the madman
live?_

When I was about sixteen a new life opened to me. There came as a
visitor to one of the ladies belonging to the establishment, a young and
lovely girl. I first saw her at the private chapel belonging to the
school. The moment I looked at her a gush of hitherto unknown pleasure
came to my heart. I felt that I could love her.

I saw her again and again. I have stood for hours by the house in which
she was, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. Sometimes I was
successful--more frequently not--but it was something to hope for. Once
I fancied that her eye fell upon me. Oh, how I was repaid by that one
pure glance!

While she remained at ----, my life was one of bright and vivid fancy,
and I was cheered by the angel Hope; but at length her visit came to a
termination; yet, though I knew she had departed, I would go daily to my
accustomed watching place, and gaze until I fancied the beaut