doubts which tear me from my conviction! Then Satan says that I
am deluding myself into this conviction, to console myself in my
destitution, and that I have become religious for want of occupation. At
such times I see myself in the glass, young, a young woman. But, when I
pray, the doubts retire from my sinful mood and I look back shuddering
upon my wicked past. And then the new life of my future once more shines
up before me....

"Beloved prince, sovereign of my soul, here in these pages which none
shall ever read I take leave of you, because it was not vouchsafed me to
bid you farewell at a moment of tangible reality. Oh, I shall often,
perhaps from day to day, still see you in the crush of the world, in the
ceremonial of palaces; but you will never again belong to me and so I
take leave of you! Whatever I may be--a twofold sinner perhaps, longing
only for Heaven because the earth has lost its charm for me--I have been
true to you, as I always have been, in love. I have seen you bowed down,
you so frail, beneath your heavy yoke of empire; and I have felt my
heart brimming over with pity for you. I have tried to give you my poor
sinful consolation as best I could. May Heaven forgive me! I met you at
a moment when the tears were flowing from your dear eyes with bitterness
because people hated you and had dared with sacrilegious hands to strike
at your imperial body; and I tried to give you what I could of
sweetness, so as to make you forget that bitterness. Ah, perhaps I was
even then not quite sincere; perhaps I am even not so now! But that
would be too terrible; that would make me despise myself as I cannot do!
And I will at least retain this illusion, that I was sincere, that I did
wish to comfort you, that, sinful though it was, I did comfort you, that
I did, in very truth, love you, that I still love you now, that I shall
no longer love you--because I must not--as your mistress, but that I
shall do so as your subject. The blood in my veins loves yours, your
golden blood! And, when I myself have found peace and no longer doubt
and hesitate, my last days shall be spent only in prayer for you, that
you also may receive peace and strength for your coming task of
government. I feel no jealousy of her who will be my future empress. I
know that she is beautiful and that she is younger than I. But I do not
compare myself with her. I shall be her subject as I am yours. For I
love you for yourself and I love everything that