without
getting his pocketbook dislocated.

Dear John, could you please tell me how to play auction bridge, so
that when I go to the seashore I will be armed for defraying
expenses?

Dear John, I am sure that if I could play auction bridge loud
enough to win four dollars every once in a while I could spend a
large bunch of the summer at the seashore.

Dear John, would you tell a loving but perfect stranger how to play
the game without having to wear a mask?

[Illustration]

Dear John, I played a couple of games recently with a wide-faced
young man who grew very playful and threw the parlor furniture at
me because I trumpeted his ace. I fancy I must have did wrong. The
fifth time I trumpeted his ace the young man arose, put on his gum
shoes, and skeedaddled out of the house. Is it not considered a
breach of etiquette to put on gum shoes in the presence of a lady?

If you please, dear John, tell me how to play auction bridge.

Yours fondly,
GLADYS JONES.

P. S. The furniture which he threw was not his property to dispose
of.
G. J.

When friend wife got a flash of this letter she made a kick to the
effect that it was some kind of a cypher, possibly the beginning of a
secret correspondence.

It was up to me to hand Gladys the frosty get-back, so this is what I
said:

Respected Madam:--I'm a slob on that auction bridge thing, plain
poker being the only game with cards that ever coaxes my dough from
the stocking, but I'll do the advice gag if it chokes me:

Auction bridge is played with cards, just like pinochle, with the
exception of the beer.

Not enough cards is a misdeal; too many cards is a mistake; and
cards up the sleeve is a slap on the front piazza, if they catch
you at it.

When bidding don't get excited and think you're attending an
auction of shirt-waists at a fire-sale. It distresses your partner
terribly to hear you say, "I'll bid two dollars!" when what you
meant was two spades. Much better it is that you smile across the
table at him and say, "I bid you good evening!"

You shouldn't get up and dance the Kitchen Sink dance every time
you take a trick. It looks more genteel