tics
and a certain precision of nature, certainly anomalies in one of my
temperament, that it might be well for me to study engineering. And
when they consulted me and I replied apathetically: "Very well, it is
agreeable enough to me," the matter seemed satisfactorily settled.

I would need to spend a little more than a year at a polytechnic school
in order to prepare myself. To be there or elsewhere, what difference
did it make to me? . . . When I contemplated the men of a certain age
who surrounded me, those occupying the most honorable positions, who
had every claim to respect and consideration, I would say to myself:
"It will some day be necessary for me to live a useful, sedate life in
a given place and fixed sphere as they do, and to grow old as they
are--and that is all!" And a bitter hopelessness overwhelmed me as I
brooded on the thought; I yearned for the impossible; I longed most of
all to remain a child forever, and the reflection that the years were
fleeing, and that, whether I would or would not, I must become a man,
was anguish to me.

CHAPTER LV.

Twice a week, in the history classes, I came in contact with the naval
students. To give themselves a sailor-like appearance they wore red
sashes, and they constantly drew ships and anchors on their copy-books.

I never dreamed of that career for myself; scarcely oftener than once
or twice had such a thought passed through my mind and then it had
disquieted me: it was, however, the only life in which I could indulge
my taste for travel and adventure. It terrified me, this naval career,
more than any other because of the long exiles it imposed, exiles that
faith could no longer make seem endurable, as in the days when I had
expressed a desire to become a missionary.

To go far away as my brother had done; to be separated from my mother
and other beloved ones for years and years; not to see during that time
the little yard reclothe itself in green at the coming of the spring,
nor to see the roses bloom upon the old wall, no, I had not the courage
to undertake it.

Because it was assumed, doubtless because of my peculiar education, that
such a rough life was wholly unsuited to me. And I knew very well, from
some words that had been spoken in my hearing, that should so wild an
idea gain a lodgment with me my parents would withhold their consent and
thwart me in every way.

CHAPTER LVI.

On my Thursday holidays during the winter, after