They had always thought of sending me to the Polytechnic school, but
it had not been decided upon irrevocably. The wish to become a sailor,
which had obtruded itself upon me almost against my will, charmed and
terrified me in an almost equal degree; I lacked the courage necessary
to settle such a grave matter with myself, and I always hesitated to
speak of it. The upshot was that I decided to reflect over it until my
next vacation, and thus by my irresolution and delay I secured to myself
a few more months of careless childhood.

I still led as solitary a life as ever; it was very difficult for me to
change the bent that my mind had taken in spite of my mental distress
and in spite of my latent desire to roam far and wide over the earth.
More than ever I stayed in the house and busied myself painting stage
scenery, and playing Chopin and Beethoven; to all appearances I was
tranquil and deeply absorbed in my dreams, and I became ever more and
more attached to my home, to its every nook and corner, even to the
stones in its walls. It is true that now and again I took a horseback
ride, but I always went with a groom and never with children of my own
age--I still had no young playmates.

My second year at college was much less painful than my first; it passed
more quickly, and moreover I had formed an attachment for two of my
classmates, my elders by a year or two, the only ones who had not the
preceding year treated me disdainfully. The thin ice once broken, there
had sprung up between us an ardent and sentimental friendship; we even
called each other by our baptismal names, something that was contrary
to school etiquette. Since we never saw each other except in the
schoolroom, we were obliged to communicate in mysterious whispers
under the teacher's eye, our relations, consequently, were inalterably
courteous and did not resemble the ordinary friendship between boys. I
loved them with all my heart; I would have allowed myself to be cut into
bits for them; and, in all sincerity, I imagined that this affection
would endure throughout my life.

My excessive exclusiveness caused me to treat the others in the class
with great indifference and haughtiness; still a certain superficial
self, necessary for social purposes, had already begun to take shallow
root, and I knew better now how to remain on good terms with them, and
at the same time to keep my true self hidden from them.

I generally contrived to sit between my two