your house, nor yet (if
she's "savvy") keep _out_ of!
What _is_ "Hymen's halter"? I fidget and falter! The Beaks seem to palter
and fumble.
In such a strange fashion, I fly in a passion, and vow that the world is a
jumble.
Law seems a wigged noodle, as tame as a poodle, the whole darned caboodle
(as 'ARRY sees)
Is ructions and "rot," and our "rulers" a lot of confounded old foodles
and Pharisees!
Yes, that's what _I_ think about Marriage and Drink--if you may call it
thought, which with frenzy is fraught, and gives me a "head" like bad
whiskey; whose dread is on me day and night, makes me wake in a fright,
from visions most solemn of column on column of such "printed matter"
and paragraph chatter, as makes me feel flatter than cold eggless batter
upon a lead platter--as mad as a hatter, and who will relieve me? Can anyone?
I tell you it's dreadful to face a whole bedful of spectres and spooks (born
of papers and books) with, most horrible looks, limbs contorted in crooks,
and bat-wings with big hooks, which haunt all the nooks of tester and
curtain, and which, I am certain, will drive me insane if _some_ one can't
explain where the mischief we are, 'midst the jumble and jar of factions
and fads, of crotchets and cads, of Tolstois and Jeunes, and Ibsens (whose
lunes are more lunatic still). Oh, I'd learn with a will from any or aught,
who could bring me, fresh caught, with lucidity fraught (what so long I have
sought) a Clear Comforting Thought--though a Penny One!

* * * * *

_IN RE_ THE INFLUENZA.

(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL NOTE ON THE APPEARANCE OF THE EPIDEMIC IN THE
LAW COURTS._)

[Illustration: Catching.]

Owing to recent sentimental legislation, many members of the learned
profession, to which I have the honour to belong, have found
their practice becoming (to quote the poet) "small by degrees and
beautifully less." Times were when I could scarcely pass a week in
term time without appearing in Court holding a consent brief, or armed
with authority to move (unopposed) for the appointment of a receiver.
But that was long ago--a deep contrast with to-day--when my admirable
and excellent Clerk PORTINGTON, finds an hour a day ample, almost too
ample, time for posting up to date my Fee Book. However, occasionally
a gleam of the old sunshine illumines, so to speak, the