looked for him in vain in the circle of shrubbery. I recognized
the signs, the portents--I recognized the moment, the spot. But they
remained unaccompanied and empty, and I continued unmolested; if
unmolested one could call a young woman whose sensibility had, in the
most extraordinary fashion, not declined but deepened. I had said in my
talk with Mrs. Grose on that horrid scene of Flora's by the lake--and
had perplexed her by so saying--that it would from that moment distress
me much more to lose my power than to keep it. I had then expressed what
was vividly in my mind: the truth that, whether the children really
saw or not--since, that is, it was not yet definitely proved--I greatly
preferred, as a safeguard, the fullness of my own exposure. I was ready
to know the very worst that was to be known. What I had then had an ugly
glimpse of was that my eyes might be sealed just while theirs were
most opened. Well, my eyes WERE sealed, it appeared, at present--a
consummation for which it seemed blasphemous not to thank God. There
was, alas, a difficulty about that: I would have thanked him with all
my soul had I not had in a proportionate measure this conviction of the
secret of my pupils.

How can I retrace today the strange steps of my obsession? There were
times of our being together when I would have been ready to swear that,
literally, in my presence, but with my direct sense of it closed, they
had visitors who were known and were welcome. Then it was that, had I
not been deterred by the very chance that such an injury might prove
greater than the injury to be averted, my exultation would have broken
out. "They're here, they're here, you little wretches," I would have
cried, "and you can't deny it now!" The little wretches denied it with
all the added volume of their sociability and their tenderness, in just
the crystal depths of which--like the flash of a fish in a stream--the
mockery of their advantage peeped up. The shock, in truth, had sunk into
me still deeper than I knew on the night when, looking out to see either
Quint or Miss Jessel under the stars, I had beheld the boy over
whose rest I watched and who had immediately brought in with him--had
straightway, there, turned it on me--the lovely upward look with which,
from the battlements above me, the hideous apparition of Quint had
played. If it was a question of a scare, my discovery on this occasion
had scared me more than any other, and it was in the conditio