lone in a
bye-thoroughfare with a "horse," which he cannot get along
anyhow, and which he is presently glad to part with to a
knacker for thirty shillings._

* * * * *

[Illustration: TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN.

_Hired Waiter_ (_handling the liqueurs_). "_PLEASE_, SIR, _DON'T_ MAKE
ME LAUGH--I SHALL SPILL 'EM ALL!"]

* * * * *

WRITE AND WRONG.

As so many private letters are sold at public sales nowadays, it has
become necessary to consider the purport of every epistle regarded,
so to speak, from a _post-mortem_ point of view. If a public man
expresses a confidential opinion in the fulness of his heart to
an intimate friend, or proposes an act of charity to a cherished
relative, he may rest assured that, sooner or later, both
communications will be published to an unsympathetic and
autograph-hunting world. Under these circumstances it may be well
to answer the simplest communications in the most guarded manner
possible. For instance, a reply to a tender of hospitality might run
as follows:--

_Private and Confidential. Not negotiable._

Mr. DASH BLANK has much pleasure in accepting Mr. BLANK DASH's
invitation to dinner on the 8th inst.

_N.B.--This letter is the property of the Writer. Not for publication.
All rights reserved._

Or, if the writer feels that his letter, if it gets into the hands
of the executors, will be sold, he must adopt another plan. It will
be then his object to so mix up abuse of the possible vendors with
ordinary matter, that they (the possible vendors) may shrink, after
the death of the recipient, from making their own condemnation
public. The following may serve as a model for a communication of this
character. The words printed in italics in the body of the letter
are the antidotal abuse introduced to prevent a posthumous sale by
possible executors.

_Private and Confidential. Not to be published. Signature a forgery._

DEAR OLD MAN,--I nearly completed my book. _Your nephew,
TOM LESLEIGH, is an ass._ My wife is slowly recovering from
influenza. _Your Aunt, JANE JENKINS, wears a wig._ TOMMY,
you will be glad to learn, has come out first of twenty in
his new class at school. _Your Uncle, BENJAMIN GRAHAM, is a
twaddling old bore._ I am thinking of spending the Midsummer
holidays with the boys and their mother at Broadstairs. _Your
Cousin, JACK JUGGERLY, is a sweep that