ssed a neighbour abruptly to this effect: "I am
a rather expensive man to sit beside, and to one like you especially so,
for you seem to be a water-drinker. When I tell you who I am, however,
you will insist on standing me a bottle of champagne." He was frigidly
asked to state his grounds for such a preposterous expectation. "Prepare
to gasp," he replied; "you see before you one who is a model and a
beacon to all the men of Caithness. I am the sire of nine sturdy sons,
and _they have only three birth-days among them_, seeing that they came
into this vale of tears three at a time."

CHAPTER VI.

COMMERCIAL TRAVELLERS AND THEIR ANECDOTES.

Trials of commercials--The two-est-faced knave--Mary, the maid
of the inn--Anecdotes of the smoking-room: Sonnet to
Raleigh--Peelin's below the tree--"She's away!"--A mean
house--One of the director's wives--Temperance hotels--A
memorial window--The blasted heath--The day for it--The
converted drummer--A circular ticket--A compound
possessive--Sixteen medals--"She's auld, and she's thin, and
she'll keep"--The will o' the dead--Sorry for London--"Raither
unceevil"--An unwelcome recitation--A word in season--A Nairn
critic--A grand day for it--A pro-Boer--"Falls of Bruar, only,
please!"--A bad case of nerves.

TRIALS OF COMMERCIALS.

The commercial traveller (that bustling and indispensable middleman)
leads a life of mingled joy and pain. He is constantly on the move, and
from meeting innumerable types of men, becomes very shrewd in judging
character. Resource, readiness, abundance of glib phrases must in time
become his. He must not, for fear of offence, show any marked bias in
politics or religion. His temper must be well under control; he must
have the patience of an angel; he must smile with those that are merry,
be lugubrious with those that are in the dumps, and listen, with
apparent interest, to the stock stories of hoary-headed prosers. It is
not enough that he should book orders. Some shaky customers are only too
ready to give these. It is his business to book orders only from those
that are likely to pay. A big order delivered to a scoundrel who means
to fail next week, is a horrible calamity, which, if it does not result
in pains and penalties, means a sharp reprimand and a loss of prestige
at headquarters, that may take years to redeem.

He has to sleep in many a different bed. It is lucky for him if a damp
couch has