EEM TO 'AVE MADE UN WORSE."

_Father_. "AH! 'E GIVES WAY TO IT."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Gambler's Wife (after reading result of the Derby)_.
"TAKE THE PARROT OUTSIDE, NELLIE. THE MASTER WILL BE HOME DIRECTLY
AFTER THE HORSE HE BACKED HAS COME IN LAST."]

* * * * *

BUSINESS AS USUAL.

Rolling stones like Edward Ross
Never gather any moss.
He was one of those who think it's
Easier to gather trinkets--
Silver watch or golden chain,
Purse or bag or chatelaine;
So that at the age of thirty,
Though his clothes were old and dirty,
Yet there were no flies upon
Edward, as you'll see anon.

Just before the Mons Retreat
He emerged upon the street
From His Majesty's Hotel,
Where they'd kept him safe and well,
Gratis. But, in spite of this, Ted
Caught the fever and enlisted.

'Twas our gallant pocket-sniper's
Fate to find himself at Wipers,
And because he showed no fear
He was made a pioneer.

For the very sight of wire
Always set his soul afire
(We are bound by early habits--
It reminded him of rabbits);
If the Huns but showed an inch of it
Teddy took what he could pinch of it,
Which was all, for, as I've said,
Flies were not at home on Ted.

Once our friend, by sad mishap,
Fell into a German sap,
And, on rising to depart,
Found a pistol at his heart.
Feeling almost at a loss,
"Kamerad!" said Edward Ross.

Through some miles of trench they went
Till they reached a swagger tent
Where a German General sat
In a highly polished hat
(Clearly an important man),
Studying a priceless plan.
Ted; who felt he simply hated him,
While the man interrogated him,
Quite adroitly picked the plan off
That astonished Hun and ran off.

Teddy's captor, who to stop him
Simply had to shoot and drop him,
Fired his pistol twice, but clicked it
All in vain, for Ted had picked it--
Picked the tool that looked so grim
After they had collared him,
While his escort dodged a dud
Outside in the Flanders mud.
For on Ross, remember, please,
Flies were always ill at ease.

But the crowning insult he
Added to the injury
Still remains to tell. As Teddy
Snatched the priceless plan and fled, he
Also pinched the polished hat,
Saying, as he vanished, that,
When in England far from here,
He would like a souvenir
Of the pleasant time he'd