the
silence around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across the
table. The only thing denoting active existence was a little, shrivelled
man, who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel slippers on his
feet, rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping at his table to
sip a little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate potation for two
hours. I have been particular in chronicling these few and apparently
trivial circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our greatest and
most important movements induced--had the near wheeler of the Umpire
been only safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I might--but let
me continue. The gloom and melancholy which beset me, momentarily
increased. But three months before, and my prospects presented every
thing that was fairest and brightest--now all the future was dark and
dismal. Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at my fortune
--now my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an enemy. It
was singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it, were not
these Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose the very
penetralia of my heart; but singular it certainly was--and so I have
always felt it since, when reflecting on it--that although much and
warmly attached to Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what I
must call her abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring idea
of my mind on the subject was, what will the mess say--what will they
think at head-quarters?--the raillery, the jesting, the half-concealed
allusion, the tone of assumed compassion, which all awaited me, as each
of my comrades took up his line of behaving towards me, was, after all,
the most difficult thing to be borne, and I absolutely dreaded to join
my regiment, more thoroughly than did ever schoolboy to return to his
labour on the expiration of his holidays. I had framed to myself all
manner of ways of avoiding this dread event; sometimes I meditated an
exchange into an African corps--sometimes to leave the army altogether.
However, I turned the affair over in my mind--innumerable difficulties
presented themselves, and I was at last reduced to that stand-still
point, in which, after continual vacillation, one only waits for the
slightest impulse of persuasion from another, to adopt any, no matter
what suggestion. In this enviable frame of mind I sat sipping my wine,
and watching the clock for that hour at which, with a safe cons