n answer at once, as it was impossible for me to
go to Moscow. I wrote to her with tears. One thing I shall be ashamed of
for ever. I referred to her being rich and having a dowry while I was only
a stuck-up beggar! I mentioned money! I ought to have borne it in silence,
but it slipped from my pen. Then I wrote at once to Ivan, and told him all
I could about it in a letter of six pages, and sent him to her. Why do you
look like that? Why are you staring at me? Yes, Ivan fell in love with
her; he's in love with her still. I know that. I did a stupid thing, in
the world's opinion; but perhaps that one stupid thing may be the saving
of us all now. Oo! Don't you see what a lot she thinks of Ivan, how she
respects him? When she compares us, do you suppose she can love a man like
me, especially after all that has happened here?"

"But I am convinced that she does love a man like you, and not a man like
him."

"She loves her own _virtue_, not me." The words broke involuntarily, and
almost malignantly, from Dmitri. He laughed, but a minute later his eyes
gleamed, he flushed crimson and struck the table violently with his fist.

"I swear, Alyosha," he cried, with intense and genuine anger at himself;
"you may not believe me, but as God is holy, and as Christ is God, I swear
that though I smiled at her lofty sentiments just now, I know that I am a
million times baser in soul than she, and that these lofty sentiments of
hers are as sincere as a heavenly angel's. That's the tragedy of it--that I
know that for certain. What if any one does show off a bit? Don't I do it
myself? And yet I'm sincere, I'm sincere. As for Ivan, I can understand
how he must be cursing nature now--with his intellect, too! To see the
preference given--to whom, to what? To a monster who, though he is
betrothed and all eyes are fixed on him, can't restrain his
debaucheries--and before the very eyes of his betrothed! And a man like me
is preferred, while he is rejected. And why? Because a girl wants to
sacrifice her life and destiny out of gratitude. It's ridiculous! I've
never said a word of this to Ivan, and Ivan of course has never dropped a
hint of the sort to me. But destiny will be accomplished, and the best man
will hold his ground while the undeserving one will vanish into his
back-alley for ever--his filthy back-alley, his beloved back-alley, where
he is at home and where he will sink in filth and stench at his own free
will and with enjoyment. I've