A PEG.

_Mr. Gifted Hopkins (Minor Poet, Essayist, Critic, Golfer,
Fin-de-Siecle Idol, &c.)._ "OH, MRS. SMART--A--I'VE BEEN THINKING, FOR
THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES, OF SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU!"

_Mrs. Smart (cheerfully)._ "PLEASE GO ON THINKING, MR. HOPKINS,--AND
I'LL GO ON TALKING TO PROFESSOR BRAYNE IN THE MEANTIME!"]

* * * * *

THE MINSTREL BOY.

(_Latest Ulsterical Version._)

The Minstrel-boy to the war is gone,
By the Belfast road he's coming;
His Party sword he has girded on
And his wild harp loud he's thrumming.
"Land of bulls!" said the warrior bard,
"Though GLADSTONE'S gang betrays thee,
_One_ sword, at least, thy rights shall guard,
_One_ faithful harp shall praise thee!"

The Minstrel's loud--though a little late;
What he hopes to gain some wonder;
But he swears that harp shall preserve the State,
Which his foes would rend asunder.
He shouts, "Home Rule shall not sully thee,
Ulster, thou soul of bravery!
I'll harp wild war, aye, from sea to sea,
Ere the Loyalists stoop to slavery!"

ENCORE VERSE.

(_For use in Clubs and other places where men--and minstrels--are
confidential._)

The Minstrel's hot, and a trifle tired,
For his Whitsun task is a torrid one;
Such holiday-fervour _must_ be admired,
But the precedent's rather a horrid one.
E'en Minstrel-boys of Ulsterical zeal,
Might now and then like a jolly-day;
And the brave bard's harp, and the warrior's steel,
Take, together, occasional holiday.

* * * * *

A WYLDE VADE MECUM.

(_By Professor H-xl-y._)

_Question._ What is rest?

_Answer._ Unperceived activity.

_Q._ Which is the best way of keeping awake?

_A._ By falling off to sleep.

_Q._ What is sleep?

_A._ Concealed consciousness.

_Q._ What is strength?

_A._ Weakness in excess.

_Q._ What is pessimism?

_A._ Optimism developed to its utmost possibilities.

_Q._ What are possibilities?

_A._ Impossibilities carried into action.

_Q._ What is selfishness?

_A._ Pity in the concrete.

_Q._ What is the summit of civilisation?

_A._ The commencement of barbarism.

_Q._ What is nature?

_A._ Art in its initial form.

_Q._ What is the survival of the fittest?

_A._ The Romanes Lecture.

_Q._ What was its comparative commencement?

_A._ Mr. GLADSTONE.

_Q._ And what has been its absolute end?

_A._ Positive ... bos