bother abaat; he doesn't care who dees soa long as he lives, nor who
sinks soa long as he can swim. But allus tak care net to let other fowk
know 'at yo live up to this system; for although iverybody thinks a
gooid deeal o' ther own number one, nubdy seems fond ov another's. Some
even goa soa far as to call a number one chap selfish. Well, worn't we
born into th' world to be selfish? What have we nails for if we munnot
scrat? What have we teeth for but to bite? What have we een for but to
look after awr own interests? What have we ears for but to listen for
iverything to us own advantage? What have we bodies for but to serve?
This is number one doctrine. Its varry popular, an' does varry weel for
this world; ther's a deal o' hansom gravestooans stand ovver once
successful number ones. What ther number is i'th' next world is moor nor
aw can tell, but aw know they'll have to start afresh, for all they iver
gained they've left behund.

Fowk 'at niver loise seet o' 'number one,' are a hard workin set as a
rule, but even they have to amuse thersen a bit sometimes, an' they find
it a nice change to luk after 'number two.' To a chap o' this sooart,
iverybody's 'number two,' 'at's a bit better awther i' luks, position,
or pocket. Nah if yo want ony fun o' this sooart aw'll tell yo ha to get
it. Furst ov all, find aght sombdy 'at yo fancy yore mates think moor on
nor they think o' yo--watch him ivery time yo get a chonce, an' see if
yo connot pick aght a hoil in his coit. Dooant be disheartened if yo
have to luk a long time before yo can find a fault--be sure ther is one
somewhear, an' if yo can't see it at a distance, hutch cloiser up, mak a
gurt fuss on him, niver say owt contrary to what he says; if he says
summat funny, laff fit to split yor sides, an' if he says owt serious,
luk solemn an' shak yor heead. Watch him carefully, an' it's a thaasand
to one but some day yo'll catch him trippin. If, when yo've fun a hoil,
it's soa little as to be hardly worth noaticing, dooant despair, wol yor
clappin him on his back an' smilin in his face, yo can happen get yor
finger in, an then rive it a bit bigger. Do it gently at furst, just a
little bit at a time, and then when yo've getten a chonce, rip it as far
as yo can. But be sure yo have nowt ony moor to do with him after that.
If yo see him comin, cross on t'other side o' th' rooad, niver let on
'at yo've seen him, but as sooin as he's getten past, shak yor heead
sorrowfully an' sig