one called, "The Ten Years'
Conflict." Now, if ever the' was a name framed up to deceive the
innocent, this here was the name. I opened the book with my mouth
waterin', thinkin' I was about to wade through two volumes of gore; but
it started out to tell about the Church of Scotland, an' I wasn't able
to keep awake to even the beginnin' of the scrap; so I started to
prepare myself for the morrow's duties, as the preacher sez.

After I had opened my roll an' took out my guns, so I could show 'em to
her in the mornin' an' sort o' cheer her up, I shed my boots an'
proceeded to occupy my bunk. Say, it was like floppin' down on a tubful
o' suds. Springs! Well, you should have seen Uncle Happy bouncin' up
an' down. I reckon I went to sleep in mid-air, 'cause I was too tired
to remember whether I was a husky maid or a tender man.

When I came to, I thought it must sure be the last day, an' that I had
waited for the very last call. The dinner-bell was a-knockin' all the
echoes in the house loose an' they was fallin' on my ear-drums in
bunches. I rushed out into the hall an' grabbed that bell by the
tongue, an' give a yell to let her know that I was ready for orders.
She opened the door an' came to the head of the stairs, an' sez,
"Hush-shh! Don't make any noise."

"Noise!" sez I. "The' ain't any left. You used up all the raw material.
What seems to be wrong?"

"Fido has just been growlin'," sez she, in a low whisper, "an' I heard
a noise out in the bushes."

"What shall I do?" sez I. "Come up there an' toss Fido out into the
bushes, so as to kill two birds with one stone?"

"No," sez she. "If you are willin' to take the risk, I wish that you
would go out the front door an' lock it after you. Then look around
careful and see if he is settin' fire to the house. Take my revolver
an' Fido, an' do be careful not to get hurt--an' don't kill him unless
you have to."

"I won't kill him unless I see him, an' he won't hurt me unless he sees
me first," sez I. "You better keep Fido an' the gun. I don't want to be
bothered with a couple o' noncombatants."

Fido was a little black woolly-faced dog, an' he didn't impress me as
bein' no old Injun-fighter. I went out an' chased a cat out o' the
bushes; but didn't flush up a single thing wantin' to disturb the
peace, except the goat. He was the most frolicsome goat I ever see, an'
he about got my tag before I heard him comin'. I rummaged the place
purty thorough, an' after tellin' her t