im to his own,
Is a derned sight better business
Than loafing around The Throne.

* * * * *

Artemus Ward, when in London, gave a children's party. One of John
Bright's sons was invited, and returned home radiant. "Oh, papa," he
explained, on being asked whether he had enjoyed himself, "indeed I did.
And Mr. Browne gave me such a nice name for you, papa."

"What was that?"

"Why, he asked me how that gay and festive cuss, the governor, was!"
replied the boy.

* * * * *

It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers were a
newly married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that
the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about them.
The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the
latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following
language at his tormenters: "Yes, we're married--just married. We are
going 160 miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you
don't like it, you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her
sheltering oak."

During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.

HENRY W. SHAW ("Josh Billings")

NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS

Natur furnishes all the nobleman we hav.

She holds the pattent.

Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually grater than he iz,
than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in making him aktually taller.

This iz a hard phakt for some tew learn.

This mundane earth iz thik with male and femail ones who think they are
grate bekause their ansesstor waz luckey in the sope or tobacco trade;
and altho the sope haz run out sumtime since, they try tew phool
themselves and other folks with the suds.

Sope-suds iz a prekarious bubble.

Thare ain't nothing so thin on the ribs az a sope-suds aristokrat.

When the world stands in need ov an aristokrat, natur pitches one into
it, and furnishes him papers without enny flaw in them.

Aristokrasy kant be transmitted--natur sez so--in the papers.

Titles are a plan got up bi humans tew assist natur in promulgating
aristokrasy.

Titles ain't ov enny more real use or necessity than dog collars are.

I hav seen dog collars that kost 3 dollars on dogs that wan't worth, in
enny market, over 87-1/2 cents.

This iz a grate waste of collar; and a grate damage tew the dog.

Natur don't put but one ingredient into her kind ov arist