diplomatic courtesy, the lack of which constitutes the sole
obstacle to his achieving immortality. If the instructor can succeed in
making him (the Cabinet Minister) really beloved the honorarium will be
doubled.

An Editor of thirty years' experience as a journalist, first-rate linguist,
deeply versed in geography, Central European politics, etc., will give five
hundred pounds to any mental specialist, registered or unregistered, who
will cure him of an irresistible temptation on all occasions, with or
without provocation, to utilise every incident, occurrence, calamity or
disaster as a means of assailing and undermining the position of the
Coalition Government in general and the PRIME MINISTER in particular.

A Member of Parliament, formerly attached to one of His Majesty's services,
is prepared to offer fifty pounds to any phrenologist who without
inflicting undue pain will reduce or remove the Bump of Curiosity which at
present impels him without rhyme or reason to bombard Ministers with
irrelevant questions contrary to the public interest and calculated to
produce the maximum amount of irritation even amongst Members who sit on
the same side of the House.

A Peer of great wealth, striking physiognomy, affectionate disposition and
wonderful general knowledge will pay the sum of twenty thousand pounds to
any psychiatric practitioner who succeeds in eliminating from his system
the microbe of filmolatry, the ravages of which have latterly threatened to
infect his monumental mind with histrionic monomania highly deleterious to
the best interests of the community.

A neo-Georgian poet, disciple of FREUD, pacificist and vegetarian, will
gladly pay five pounds to any psychopathic suggestionist who will extirpate
from his subconsciousness the lingering relics of an antipathy to
syncopated rhythms which retard his progress towards a complete mastery of
the technique of amorphous bombination.

* * * * *

ANOTHER "SUBSTITUTE."

"For the first time on record snow has fallen at Albany, Western
Australia.

The Food Ministry announces that this surplus will therefore be
available for home jam-making."--_Provincial Paper._

* * * * *

"The Roman poets, all of them inveterate Cockneys, talk of the joys of
the country, of purling streams and lowing kine and frisking lamps."--
_Weekly Paper._

And their verses occasionally smell of