No picnic ever throve
Such as we have of love an' light
When Pa puts up the stove!

His Platform.

"My opponents are running on various platforms," said the ambitious
candidate, "but none of them promise you full relief from the evils that
beset you. None of them reach down into your hearts and search out your
wants and comprehend the good measures that will bring relief." And he
paused for a moment, in order that the full import of his language might
sink deep into the hearts of the mighty throng before him. "I favor," he
continued, extending his right arm toward heaven in an impressive
gesture: "I favor pensions for all the republicans, offices for all the
democrats, free passes on the railroads for all the niggers, the whole
earth for the socialists and the five oceans of water for the
prohibitionists!"

And then the delighted crowd went wild with applause.

The Meal Ticket Man.

(Suggested by John Golobie's recent article, "The Apotheosis of the Meal
Ticket Man")

Away with the heroes that litter the past!
Tear the crown from the brow of each unworthy pate!
We have come to the truth and its virtues at last,
And our heroes are modern and quite up to date!
Neither warrior nor prelate is praiseworthy now;
Neither saint nor philosopher cumbers our plan;
Let us gather the laurels and twine o'er the brow
In a crown of delight for the Meal-Ticket Man!

Just search through the musty old mists of the years,
For the men who have lifted the world to the stars!
You will find it was never the sages or seers
Who have healed human hearts from their terrible scars;
They were those who from one vagrant week to the next
In the garret or cellar lived life's little span,
And whatever their thought or where ever their text,
All the glory belongs to the Meal-Ticket Man.

What matter though seedy his hat and his coat.
That his pantaloons bagged and were ragged and frayed?
Still the world by its modern, unanimous vote
Says it danced to the tune that his chin-music played!
At the touch of his hand, at the thrill of his thought,
It leaped on the paths where the greater truths ran,
And though in the ways that were humble he wrought
Yet it crowns him at last--the great Meal-Ticket Man!

Then hail to this hero of shadow and shine!
Never doubt he's as great as the greatest in worth,
And his greatness