He can't turn right nor lef',
He miss de calf an' den, by gosh!
Fall on reevere himse'f.

Dose Sunday close dat Tim had on
He wet dem t'roo an' t'roo,
An' w'en he pick himse'f op slow
An' walk heem out de sloo,
He say, "Dat's good I mak' a laugh
Before I tak' dat fall;
I laugh not den, I hav' no fone
Out of dis t'ing at all."

THE MILLIONAIRES

BY MAX ADELER

It had always been one of the luxuries of the Grimeses to consider what
they would do if they were rich. Many a time George and his wife,
sitting together of a summer evening upon the porch of their own pretty
house in Susanville, had looked at the long unoccupied country-seat of
General Jenkins, just across the way, and wished they had money enough
to buy the place and give it to the village for a park.

Mrs. Grimes often said that if she had a million dollars, the very first
thing she would do would be to purchase the Jenkins place. George's idea
was to tear down the fences, throwing everything open, and to dedicate
the grounds to the public. Mrs. Grimes wanted to put a great free
library in the house and to have a club for poor working-women in the
second-floor rooms. George estimated that one hundred thousand dollars
would be enough to carry out their plans. Say fifty thousand dollars for
purchase money, and then fifty more invested at six per cent. to
maintain the place.

"But if we had a million," said George, "I think I should give one
hundred and fifty thousand to the enterprise and do the thing right.
There would always be repairs and new books to buy and matters of that
kind."

But this was not the only benevolent dream of these kind-hearted people.
They liked to think of the joy that would fill the heart of that poor
struggling pastor, Mr. Borrow, if they could tell him that they would
pay the whole debt of the Presbyterian Church, six thousand dollars.

"And I would have his salary increased, George," said Mrs. Grimes. "It
is shameful to compel that poor man to live on a thousand dollars."

"Outrageous," said George. "I would guarantee him another thousand, and
maybe more; but we should have to do it quietly, for fear of wounding
him."

"That mortgage on the Methodist Church," said Mrs. Grimes. "Imagine the
happiness of those poor people in having it lifted! And so easy to do,
too, if we had a million dollars."

"Certainly, and I would give the Baptists a handsome pipe-organ instead
of that