the bright side was, that, in
living so constantly through her illness with Fanny, who lived with God,
I had been perforce brought nearer to Him, and therefore naturally
learned to dread Him less and love Him more than I had done; so that I
hoped, as I know my mother did, that the sunshine of His grace would
help to mellow me.

Another bright point was, that I need not go back to Greenville. The
present mistress was glad to keep the school, and the committee willing
to keep her.

My desultory thoughts still growing calmer, I began to form plans for my
way of living, as I used to do aloud, when I could talk them over with
my mother and Fanny. I did not plan anything great, however, because I
was conscious of no great powers.--I already, I think, began to divine
the truth of what a wise woman afterwards said to me, "Your own nature
must settle your work," or rather of what she implied, though she did
not say it: In laying out your work, you should do your best to take the
diagonal between your nature and your circumstances.--But I resolved,
such as I was, to try to make the most of myself in every way, for
myself, my neighbors, and my God.

I was to stay at my guardian's for the present. He forbade my trying to
teach again, for some months at least. It was my duty, as well as my
pleasure, to obey him. In the mean time, I could prepare myself to teach
better when I began again. I would draw and paint at odd times. Two
hours a day I would try to divide between history and the English
classic poets, of both of which I knew sadly little. Julia often drove
out with her husband; and then I could study by myself. When she was at
home, if I could not always chat with her as formerly, I could read to
her in French, which she liked to hear; and that would be much more
sociable and cheerful for her than my sitting mute. I would now exert
myself to walk out every day for exercise, so that there would be no
reason for her giving up her place in the Doctor's chaise to me. I
blushed to think how often I had suffered myself to be foisted into it
by her already. By my walks, I would earn leave to sit with her
in-doors; and then I could save her many steps and little household
cares. Then what should I do for her husband? Sing to him in the
evening, and begin, if he liked it, to-night. It might be a little hard
the first time; but if so, there was all the more reason for having the
first time over. There was no need of my choosing sad s