out my fatal plan and to abandon it all, and with
that object I went to the Nevsky for the last time, just to see how I
would abandon it all. Suddenly, three paces from my enemy, I
unexpectedly made up my mind--I closed my eyes, and we ran full tilt,
shoulder to shoulder, against one another! I did not budge an inch and
passed him on a perfectly equal footing! He did not even look round
and pretended not to notice it; but he was only pretending, I am
convinced of that. I am convinced of that to this day! Of course, I
got the worst of it--he was stronger, but that was not the point. The
point was that I had attained my object, I had kept up my dignity, I
had not yielded a step, and had put myself publicly on an equal social
footing with him. I returned home feeling that I was fully avenged for
everything. I was delighted. I was triumphant and sang Italian arias.
Of course, I will not describe to you what happened to me three days
later; if you have read my first chapter you can guess for yourself.
The officer was afterwards transferred; I have not seen him now for
fourteen years. What is the dear fellow doing now? Whom is he walking
over?

II

But the period of my dissipation would end and I always felt very sick
afterwards. It was followed by remorse--I tried to drive it away; I
felt too sick. By degrees, however, I grew used to that too. I grew
used to everything, or rather I voluntarily resigned myself to enduring
it. But I had a means of escape that reconciled everything--that was
to find refuge in "the sublime and the beautiful," in dreams, of
course. I was a terrible dreamer, I would dream for three months on
end, tucked away in my corner, and you may believe me that at those
moments I had no resemblance to the gentleman who, in the perturbation
of his chicken heart, put a collar of German beaver on his great-coat.
I suddenly became a hero. I would not have admitted my six-foot
lieutenant even if he had called on me. I could not even picture him
before me then. What were my dreams and how I could satisfy myself
with them--it is hard to say now, but at the time I was satisfied with
them. Though, indeed, even now, I am to some extent satisfied with
them. Dreams were particularly sweet and vivid after a spell of
dissipation; they came with remorse and with tears, with curses and
transports. There were moments of such positive intoxication, of such
happiness, that there was not the faintest t