normous crowds at bay,
And sometimes won the D.C.M.,
It might inspire me for the fray;
But, looking back, I do not seem
To recollect a single dream
In which I did not simply scream
And try to run away.

And when I wake with flesh that creeps
The only solace I can see
Is thinking, if the Prussian sleeps,
What hideous visions _his_ must be!
Can all my dreams of gas and guns
Be half as rotten as the Hun's?
I like to think his blackest ones
Are when he dreams of me.

A.P.H.

* * * * *

"Street lamp-posts in Chiswick are all being painted white
by female labour."--_Times_.

The authorities were afraid, we understand, that if males were
employed they would paint the town red.

* * * * *

"Four groups of raiders tried to attack London on Saturday
night. If there were eight in each group, this meant thirty-two
Gothas."--_Evening Standard_.

In view of the many loose and inaccurate assertions regarding the
air-raids, it is agreeable to meet with a statement that may be
unreservedly accepted.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Lodger (who has numbered his lumps of sugar with lead
pencil)_. "OH, MRS. JARVIS, I AM UNABLE TO FIND NUMBERS 3, 7 AND 18."]

* * * * *

THE DOOR.

Once upon a time there was a sitting-room, in which, when everyone
had gone to bed, the furniture, after its habit, used to talk. All
furniture talks, although the only pieces with voices that we human
beings can hear are clocks and wicker-chairs. Everyone has heard a
little of the conversation of wicker-chairs, which usually turn upon
the last person to be seated in them; but other furniture is more
self-centered.

On the night with which we are now concerned the first remark was made
by the clock, who stated with a clarity only equalled by his brevity
that it was one. An hour later he would probably be twice as voluble.

It was normally the signal for an outburst of comment and confidence;
but let me first say that the house in which this sitting-room
was situated belonged to an elderly gentleman and his wife, each
conspicuous for peaceable kindliness. Neither would hurt a fly, but
since they had grandsons fighting for England, honour and the world,
it chanced that they were the incongruous possessors of quite a number
of war relics, which included an