so my
own spiritual miseries, to which, through solicitude for you, I am not
sufficiently attentive: so true it is that you are all things to me. If
I see you advance in virtue, through joy I feel not my own ills; and if
I perceive you make no progress, here again through grief I forget my
own miseries. Though I am sinking under them, on your account, I am
filled with joy: and whatever subject of joy I have in myself, I am
overwhelmed with grief if all is not well with you. For what comfort,
what life, what hope can a pastor have, if his flock be perishing? How
will he stand before God? What will he say? Though he should be innocent
of the blood of them all, still he will be pierced with bitter sorrow
which nothing will be able to assuage. For though parents were no way in
fault, they would suffer the most {269} cruel anguish for the ruin or
loss of their children. Whether I shall be demanded an account of year
souls or no, this will not remove my grief. I am not anxious that you
may attain to happiness by my labors, but that you be saved at any rate,
or by any means. You know not the impetuous tyranny of spiritual
travails, and how he who spiritually brings forth children to God
desires a thousand times over to be hewn to pieces rather than to see
one of his children fall or perish. Though we could say with assurance,
we have done all that lay in us, and are innocent of his blood, this
will not be enough to comfort us. Could my heart be laid open and
exposed to your view, you would see that you are every one there, and
much dilated, women, children, and men. So great is the power of charity
that it makes a soul wider than the heavens. St. Paul bore all Corinth
within his breast. 2 Cor. vii. 2. I can make you no reproaches for any
indifference towards me on your side. I am sensible of the love which
you reciprocally bear me. But what will be the advantage either of your
love for me or of mine for you, if the duties you owe to God are
neglected? It is only an occasion of rendering my grief more heavy. You
have never been wanting in any thing towards me. Were it possible, you
would have given me your very eyes: and on our side we were desirous to
give you with the gospel also our lives. Our love is reciprocal. But
this is not the point. We must in the first place love Christ. This
obligation both you and I have great need to study: not that we entirely
neglect it; but the pains we take are not adequate to this great end."