noon call?
For the evening would salmon or olive be right?
May a charming young fellow embrace her in yellow?
Must she sorrow in black? Must I wed her in white?
Till, dazed and bewildered, my eyesight grows dim,
And my head, throbbing wildly, commences to swim.

'Twere folly and madness to try any more,
I know what I'll do--in a letter to-day
I will just tell her plainly how utterly vainly
I've striven and struggled to finish her play;
And then--happy thought!--I will mildly suggest
That she'll find for her purpose BUCHANAN the best.

I shall now write a play without dresses at all,
A plan, which I'm sure will be perfectly new.
Yet opposed to convention, why merely the mention
Of a thing so immodest will startle a few;
And, although it's a pity, I shrewdly suspect
The Lord Chamberlain might deem it right to object.

Better still! from the French I will boldly convey
What will be (in two senses) the talk of the town.
You insist on a moral? Well, pray do not quarrel
With the one that I now for your guidance lay down,
That of excellent maxims this isn't the worst--
_Let the play, not the dresses, be settled the first!_

* * * * *

SOMETHING IN A NAME.--What a happily appropriate name for the Chief
Magistrate of so fashionable a watering-place as Brighton is Mr.
SOPER! Whether he is soft SOPER, or Hard SOPER, or Scented SOPER, it
matters not; it is only a pity that after his year of office, if the
Brightonian Bathers can spare him, he should not be transferred to
Windsor. Old Windsor SOPER--what a splendid title for the Mayor of the
Royal town! No doubt he will show himself active and energetic during
his Mayoralty, and that at Brighton henceforth a totally opposite
meaning from the ordinary one will be given to the description of a
speech as "a SOPER-ific." At east, it is 'oped so, for the sake of
SOPER.

* * * * *

[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET.

"AND ARE _YOU_ GOING TO GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, AUNTY
MAUD?"

"OF COURSE, DARLING."

"THEN _DON'T_ LET IT BE _SOMETHING USEFUL!_"]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Tuesday Night, November 25_.--New Session opened
to-day. Remarkable gathering of Members in the Lords to hear Queen's
Speech read. Unusual excitement, though heroicall