d behave to me as she had done formerly.
There was no abatement of my regard to her; why was she so changed? I
said to her, "Ah! Sarah, when I think that it is only a year ago that
you were everything to me I could wish, and that now you seem lost to me
for ever, the month of May (the name of which ought to be a signal for
joy and hope) strikes chill to my heart.--How different is this meeting
from that delicious parting, when you seemed never weary of repeating
the proofs of your regard and tenderness, and it was with difficulty we
tore ourselves asunder at last! I am ten thousand times fonder of you
than I was then, and ten thousand times more unhappy!" "You have no
reason to be so; my feelings towards you are the same as they ever
were." I told her "She was my all of hope or comfort: my passion for
her grew stronger every time I saw her." She answered, "She was sorry
for it; for THAT she never could return." I said something about
looking ill: she said in her pretty, mincing, emphatic way, "I despise
looks!" So, thought I, it is not that; and she says there's no one
else: it must be some strange air she gives herself, in consequence of
the approaching change in my circumstances. She has been probably
advised not to give up till all is fairly over, and then she will be my
own sweet girl again. All this time she was standing just outside the
door, my hand in hers (would that they could have grown together!) she
was dressed in a loose morning-gown, her hair curled beautifully; she
stood with her profile to me, and looked down the whole time. No
expression was ever more soft or perfect. Her whole attitude, her whole
form, was dignity and bewitching grace. I said to her, "You look like a
queen, my love, adorned with your own graces!" I grew idolatrous, and
would have kneeled to her. She made a movement, as if she was
displeased. I tried to draw her towards me. She wouldn't. I then got
up, and offered to kiss her at parting. I found she obstinately
refused. This stung me to the quick. It was the first time in her life
she had ever done so. There must be some new bar between us to produce
these continued denials; and she had not even esteem enough left to tell
me so. I followed her half-way down-stairs, but to no purpose, and
returned into my room, confirmed in my most dreadful surmises. I could
bear it no longer. I gave way to all the fury of disappointed hope and
jealous passion. I was made the dupe