him: the fact
is, I want to laugh at him."

"Very well, I'll bring him here; but, recollect, it's a very sore
subject with him," replied I, "and that you may have a sharp answer."

"That I'll take my chance of, Jack," replied the widow, laughing. In
consequence of this intimation, one evening when my father was walking
in the hospital, I persuaded him to call at the shop.

"This is my father, Mrs St. Felix," said I.

"Most happy to see him. What shall I have the pleasure of assisting you
to, Mr Saunders?" said the widow.

"My sarvice to you, marm,--if you please, to two penn'orth of pigtail
and a paper of shorts."

"Much obliged to you, Mr Saunders," replied she. "Sure we're much
indebted to Admiral Lord Nelson for sending us such fine-looking
pensioners. I shouldn't wonder if I were to choose a husband out of the
hospital yet."

"I'm afeard we're all too mauled, marm, to suit a pretty young woman
like you," replied my father, very gallantly.

"Thank you for that, Mr Saunders; but you're mistaken entirely. I
don't consider the loss of a leg, for instance, as anything; I never
look at men's legs, and therefore care little whether they are made of
wood or not, provided they don't tread on my corns."

"Well, marm, I'm glad that you don't consider a timber toe as any
obstacle to matrimony; but, I fear, having a wife already may be
considered by you a sort of objection."

"Why, sure, I must have the whole of my husband; I couldn't afford to
share him, especially when one limb is gone already. That puts me in
mind of my want of manners. I hope Mrs Saunders is quite well. I hear
from Jack that you have a separate maintenance,--that's very genteel."

"Why, yes, marm," replied my father; "the King maintains me, and my wife
maintains herself; so, as you say, we have a separate maintenance."

"Well, that's the best way when married people don't agree. What are
you laughing at, Mr Jack? did I hint that your father and mother ever
had any little matrimonial differences? I certainly did hear that there
was a trifling dispute when they last parted; but when they bring me
such tales I always _cut them short_. Here's your _pigtail_, Mr
Saunders," continued the widow, laughing, as she put the tobacco on the
counter.

I looked at my father, who did not seem to relish the hint, but he
answered very frankly, "If you cut them as short as my wife cut mine,
why, then you won't be troubled with them any more. I see,