o does not wish his name mentioned) assures
me that he was proceeding from the Gaiety Restaurant, where he had been
lunching, towards Charing Cross, when he was "attacked by VERTIGO" in
broad day-light! Comment is needless. If dangerous foreign bandits like
this VERTIGO--who from his name must be an Italian--are permitted to
plunder innocent pedestrians with impunity, the sooner we abolish our
Police Force and save the expense, the better.
NO ALARMIST.

DEAR ED'TOR,--I write you a line to say I've jus' been 'sulted--grossly
'sulted--on Thames 'Bankmen'. Walkin' 'long--quite shober--sud'ly
'costed by man dressed like 'pleeceman. Said "lot bad krakters
about"--took hold of my arm--wanted see me into cab. _I saw through him
at once._ It was a plot! Wanted steal vabblewatch--forshately lef' watch
home. Angry at not findin' watch--bundled me into cab anyhow--feel
'fects still. Whash Scolland Yard 'bout? Are spekbull citizens to be
'sulted by pleece--by me'dress-li'pleece, I mean? It's all true 'bout
Lunn' bein' _most_ unsafe. Norra word' of 'xagg'ration! _Cre' 'xperto._
Thash Latin!--_Shows_ I'm spekbull. No more now! He'ache.
Yours, RUM PUNCH.

* * * * *

Sir Gerald Portal.

OF Afric's districts C. and E.,
'Tis clear to any mortal,
We've but to keep our Afric key,
And enter by our PORTAL.

* * * * *

THE following mysterious advertisement is cut from the _Grantham
Journal:_--

WANTED, to Purchase, a HALF-LEGGED Horse, five years
old, suitable for Building work, about 16
hands.--Address, &c.

Is the horse to have two legs? Not on all fours with nature? And the
sixteen hands? Compensation for want of legs? Give it up!

* * * * *

THE NEXT ELECTION PIC-NIC.

(_By Our Own Prophetic Reporter._)

A FEW days since a "Grand Intellectual _Fete_" was given by the Flower
League in advancement of the Patriotic Cause, in the grounds of the Duke
of DITCHWATER. The Railway Companies afforded unusual facilities for
securing a large gathering, and there was much enthusiasm amongst those
who were present. To meet the requirements of decisions arrived at
during the trial of recent Election Petitions, it was arranged that some
one competent to undertake the task should introduce and explai