'll teach you to be so
beastly rare."

* * * * *

"The Wigan County Licensing Sessions were held yesterday.
Superintendent Kelly stated that fifty-four persons had been proceeded
against for drunkenness, an increase of 124 over last
year."--_Liverpool Daily Post._

Superintendent KELLY should join the Government.

* * * * *

"A recital was given yesterday afternoon by Dr. Walter Alcock, who
bears the title of organist and composer to His Majesty's Chapels
Royal, and assistant organist of Westminster Abbey, and happens to be
also an organist of exceptional attainments."

_Yorkshire Post._

The luck of Royalty is proverbial.

* * * * *

"WELSH PROFESSIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.

Milward, after compiling a break of 73, failed at a very easy shot,
otherwise the contribution might have been higher."

_Sportsman._

It would seem certain, but--you never can tell with these wily Welshmen.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Wealthy Visitor._ "_YOU_ 'ARD UP! WOT DO _YOU_ DO TO MAKE
YOU 'ARD UP? I NEVER 'EAR OF YOU GETTIN' A CAR FOR L2,000 AS _I_'VE JUST
DONE, OR BUYIN' YOUR WIFE L3,000 WORTH O' JOOLREY AS _I_ DID LAST WEEK, OR
SENDIN' YOUR BOY A 'UNDED POUNDS-WORTH O' MECHANICAL TOYS AS _I_ 'AVE THIS
MORNIN'. YOU'VE 'AD BREAD AND CHEESE AND _I_'VE STOOD SIX JOLLY FELLERS A
CHAMPAGNE LUNCH--'OW CAN _YOU_ BE 'ARD UP?"]

* * * * *

THE DANGER SIGNAL.

["I think moods and colours are related to one another. For instance,
you have to feel very happy and well to enjoy rose-pink."

_Miss GLADYS COOPER._]

Dear, did the afternoon seem dull and dreary?
Sweet, did you murmur as the tears fell thick--
"My true love cometh not and I am weary;
This is a dirty trick"?

Hear my excuse. With laudable precision
I reached our rendezvous full early, but
When you appeared in view, a rose-pink vision,
I really had to cut.

For oh! your costume made me apprehensive;
That colour-scheme which caused my eyes to blink
Proved you in joyous vein, while I was pensive
And in no mood for pink.

I wanted converse with the gentle lily
And not the rose with all its flaunting show,
Someone to stroke my hand and call me "Willie"
In accents soft a