d diligently, without any difficulty and without the slightest
ostentation, receiving gold medals for his compositions.

He had made it the aim of his young life, not merely by word, but in
reality, to serve others, and thought he saw his chance of doing so in
government service. Systematically looking over the various activities
to which he might devote his energies, he decided that he could be
most useful in the legislative department, and entered it. But
notwithstanding his most accurate and conscientious attention to his
duties, he found nothing in them to satisfy his desire to be useful.
His discontent, due to the pettiness and vanity of his immediate
superiors, grew until an opportunity offered to enter the Senate. He
was better off in the Senate, but the same feeling of dissatisfaction
pursued him. He constantly felt that things were not what he expected
them to be, and what they should be. During his service in the Senate,
his relations obtained for him the post of gentleman of the Emperor's
bed-chamber, and he was obliged to drive around in gorgeous uniform to
thank various people. In this post he felt even more than before out
of place. At the same time, on the one hand, he could not refuse the
appointment, because he would not disappoint those who thought they
were pleasing him by it, and, on the other hand, the appointment
flattered his vanity. It pleased him to see himself in a looking-glass
in a gold embroidered uniform, and to receive the tokens of respect
shown him by some people on his appointment.

The same thing happened with respect to his marriage. A brilliant
match was arranged for him, as it is regarded from the world's
standpoint. And he married principally because to refuse would have
been to offend and cause pain to the bride and those who had arranged
the match. Hence the marriage to a young, pretty, distinguished girl
flattered his vanity and gave him pleasure. But the marriage soon
turned out to be "not the thing, you know," more so even than Court
service. After her first child, his wife did not wish to have any
more, and plunged into luxurious social life, in which he was obliged
to participate nolens volens. Although this poisoned the life of her
husband, and brought her only exertion and fatigue, she nevertheless
diligently pursued it. All his efforts to change her mode of life
could not alter her confidence, supported by all her relatives and
acquaintances, that it was quite proper.