of Crickets.

* * * * *

[Illustration: KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO.

KATHLEEN. "I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME. AND
GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE."

PETRUCHIO. "WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, BUT--OF
ANOTHER FASHION."--_Shakspeare Balfourised_.]

* * * * *

[Illustration: The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap).]

* * * * *

PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE.

(_EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS FOUND IN A GERMAN POST-BAG._)

_TO A BISHOP._

It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as good as
they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject with sufficient
strength. I have not time to come to listen to you, as I have other
pressing engagements, and consequently write from hearsay. Still, I
believe I have good reason for my strictures. However, that you may
have an excellent example upon which to model your discourses in the
future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy
your pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my sermon.

_TO A GENERAL._

I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manoeuvres. Nothing
could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted
me on my approach. Perhaps the bands might have played the National
Anthem half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was
excellent. And now I have got a really splendid idea. And you must
help me. I want to order all the troops to another part of the country
without telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it,
you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke to see
the commanders when they appear on parade without any soldiers! They
will be so surprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But mind, not a word to
anyone until we have had our fun. As an old soldier who has deserved
well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion.

_TO A THEATRICAL MANAGER._

[Illustration]

I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening,
and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the
representation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down
my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don't like the
costume of the Tragedy Queen--her heels are too high and why does she
wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part.
He has to walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize