known, and yet, though knowing so little, I know
the unutterably great--I know God. This cannot be expressed--merely,
it can be said that two extremes have met.

This new consciousness, this new worship, this new love is for the
Godhead. Christ is gone up into the Godhead, and I worship Him in,
and as One with, the Godhead. For three months this continues
uninterruptedly. Then Jesus Christ presents Himself to my
consciousness. Jesus, Who led me to this happiness, now calls and
calls to my soul. Immediately I commence to respond to Him. He is
drawing me away; He is teaching me something--at first I do not
know what, but soon I know that He is leading me out of this Eden,
this paradise of my childhood: I know it, because I begin to feel pain
again, and to recognise evil. O my Jesus, my Jesus, must I really
follow Thee out of Paradise back into pain? Yes, in less than two
weeks I am fully back in the world again--but not the same world,
_because I know how to escape from it._ The Door that I knocked at,
and that all in one moment was opened to me, is _never closed._ I
can go in and out. God never closes to me the right of way; never
severs those secret wires of Divine Communication.

But my soul is not nursed, as it were, in His Hands day and night--she
must learn to grow up. Woeful education, deadly days of learning,
stony paths that hurt, that hurt all the more because of the felicity
that only so recently was mine.

For three months I am walking further and further out of Eden and
back into the horrors of the world--following Jesus.

One night I compose myself as usual for sleep, but I do not sleep,
neither can I say that I am quite awake. It is neither sleep, nor is my
wakefulness the usual wakefulness. I do not dream, I cannot move.
My consciousness is alight with a new fiery energy of life; it feels to
extend to an infinite distance beyond my body, and yet remains
connected with my body. I live in a manner totally new and totally
incomprehensible, a life in which none of my senses are used and
which is yet a thousand, and more than a thousand, times as vivid. It
is living at white heat--without forms, without sound, without sight,
without anything which I have ever been aware of in this world, and
at a terrible speed. What is the meaning of all this? I do not know:
my body is quite helpless and is distressed, but I am not afraid. God
is teaching me something in His own way. For six weeks every night
I enter this