without
protest. One of my few thoughts is that I shall remain for the rest of
my natural life in this pitiful state where, however, I shall hope to be
preserved from further sinning simply because I have not a
sufficiency of will, intelligence, or thought with which to sin! I am
too completely nothing to be able to sin. I have another thought,
which is that as I no longer have any intelligence with which to deal
with the ordinary difficulties of life, such as street life and traffic, I
shall shortly be run over and killed; and so I put a card with my
address on it into my little handbag, for the convenience of those
who shall be obliged to deal with my body afterwards.

I have just sufficient capacity left me to automatically, mechanically,
go through with the necessities of life. I have not become idiotic. I
live in a tremendous and profound solitude, such a solitude as would
frighten many people greatly. But my beautiful pastime had
accustomed me to solitude and also to something of this
nothingness--a brief nothingness was a necessary part of the
beautiful pastime: so I have no fears now of any kind; but I wonder.
Perhaps I am just four things--wonder, patience, resignation, and
nothing.

Yet through this dreadful solitude penetrates the inspiration of some
unseen guide. As regards this particular time I am convinced that
this guide is an outside presence. I depend in all my goings and
comings upon the guidance of this guide who proves incredibly
accurate in every detail, in details of even the smallest necessities. If
this guide is a part of myself, it is that of me with which I have not
previously come in contact; and it is not the Reason, but far beyond
the Reason, for it _divines._ It is then either a spiritual guide,
companion, or guardian angel, or it is a power possessed by the soul
herself--a foretasting cognisance, a mysterious intuition of which we
as yet comprehend little or nothing, and which we have not yet
learnt to command: it presents itself; it absents itself; but it
condescends to every need; it is always helpful, always beneficent; it
sees that which it sees before the event; it hears that which it hears
before the words are spoken. It guides by what would seem to be
two very different modes: the greater things come by a mode
altogether indescribable; but for the small things of every day I will
take simple examples here and there. I am abroad. Someone in the
family at home is taken dangerously