"because I don't love you. Ah, I've
known it a long time--ever since we left Petrograd. I've often, often
wanted to tell you ... I've been afraid."

"You can't marry me?" he repeated, "But you must...." Then hurriedly:
"No, I shouldn't say that. You must forgive me ... you have confused
me."

"I'm very unhappy ... I've been unhappy a long time. It was a mistake
in Petrograd. I don't love you--but it isn't only that.... You
wouldn't be happy with me. You think now ... but it's a mistake."

He has told me that as the idea worked through to his brain his only
thought was that he must keep her at all costs, under any conditions,
keep her.

"You can't--you mustn't," he whispered, staring as though he would
hold her by her eyes. "Don't you see that you mustn't? What am I to do
after all this? What are we both to do? It's breaking everything. I
shan't believe in anything if you.... Ah! but no, you don't really
mean anything...."

He saw that she was trembling and he bent forward, put his arm very
gently round her as though he would protect her.

But she very strongly drew away from him, looked him in the face, then
dropped her eyes, let her whole body droop as though she were most
bitterly ashamed.

"I don't know," she said, "what I've been ... what I've done. During
these last weeks I've been terrible to myself--and yet it's better
too. I didn't live a real life before, and now I see things as they
are. I don't love you, John, and so we mustn't marry."

He looked at her and then suddenly wild, furious, shouting at her:

"You mustn't.... You dare not.... Then go if you wish. I don't want
you, do you hear?... I don't want.... I don't want you!"

She turned and walked swiftly into the house. He watched her go, then
with quick stumbling steps hurried into the field below the farm.

There he stood, thinking of nothing, knowing nothing, seeing nothing.
The dusk came up, there had been rain during the day, the mist was in
grey sheets, the wet dank smell of the earth and of the vegetables
amongst which he stood grew stronger as the light faded. He thought of
nothing, nothing at all. He felt in his pocket for his pipe, something
dropped--and he knelt down there on the soaking ground, searching. He
searched furiously, raging to himself again and again: "Oh! I must
find it! I must find it! I must find it!" His hands tore the wet
vegetables, were thick with the soil. Other things fell from his
pockets, Then the rain began